(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
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I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Why I divorced her.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’