My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
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me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer