[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
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The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.