thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
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like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.