[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
inventing words: clothing
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
awesome draft from months ago i just found
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Husband of the year 😂
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.