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doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong