Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
You Might Also Like
The news is so predictable nowadays
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
One of my coworkers didn鈥檛 show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
馃槀馃槀
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Me: I鈥檓 smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I鈥檝e ever seen!
Hubs: That鈥檚 because it鈥檚 a seal
Are you even a parent if you鈥檝e never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they鈥檙e calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I鈥檓 a genius)
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?