normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
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How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Solving a traffic jam
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition