Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
You Might Also Like
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Banana is the quietest snack
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
My teenage children choosing violence
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?