Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
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[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Friends that check up on you >
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.