Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
You Might Also Like
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
He-man has a Masters degree
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside