I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
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There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.