“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
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Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”