Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
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I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*