Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
You Might Also Like
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I’d love this…lol
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”