things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
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I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.