You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
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Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
The three genders
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
We’ve all been there
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”