before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
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What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”