I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
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Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.