My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
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*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”