Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
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evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do