“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit