Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
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Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
This will teach them to underestimate me
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.