All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
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[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.