“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
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straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me