hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
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[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.