(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
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Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.