Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
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“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Perfect
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Life hack
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*