People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
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she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Customize Your Wedding.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.