I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
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If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally