Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
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Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Every time my phone rings
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.