put ‘er there pardner!
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”