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the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
o shit
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
😩😩😩
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.