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Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.