I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
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indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Well, shit
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.