Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
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Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
🤣😂
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.