Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
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when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Netflix and scream at our children?!
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Planet of the Apps.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.