“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
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Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”