Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
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Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
In space, no one can hear…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.