Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
You Might Also Like
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Weighing up my bread heating options
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.