Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
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[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes