Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
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I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.