ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
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Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
We’ve all been there…
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s