I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
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5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
#Caturday
Spotted in New Orleans.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.