Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
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I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate