He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
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Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Nice try Hitler
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)