When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
🤣🤣
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.