Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
You Might Also Like
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying