Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
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I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel