As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
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Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
mood
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
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Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.